Ave and I have both left our lives behind for love. We moved across continents, to other corners of the world and left behind our family, friends, culture and lifestyle.
Recently, I started watching a reality show called 90 Day Fiancé (I’m a reality show addict – self-admitted) and it brought up so many things that I too have experienced with my move. In case you’ve never watched this show, WATCH IT. It’s about a few American men who have fallen in love with women who live abroad and bring them to the US under a 90-day fiancé visa.
You meet the couple from the point that the visa is approved and the gals are heading to the US to plan the wedding. Then you follow them through the difficult path of culture shock, a new language, and co-existing with a person they haven’t spent much ‘real’ time with.
I feel for each of those girls – because I’ve been through it all myself. (And I’m still going through it)
[note]So what are the difficulties you deal with when you’re the foreign person in a relationship? [/note]
1) Mistrust from the partner’s family
I’ve been through all kinds – awesome families who have taken me in as a daughter and realized that I am truly in love with their son…
AND the unfortunate another side of the coin: the mistrustful and miserable ‘mother-in-law’ who absolutely hated me from the get-go. Sometimes, certain parents will feel very suspicious of foreign ladies, and this is largely inspired by racist assumptions and questioning of our true motives.
My ex’s horrible mother thought I was out to get two things from her son – a green card and money. Why? Plain and simple, because I’m Latin American.
I can only imagine this is what she thought of me. Haha!
Let’s start by making it very clear: I was madly in love with her son. There was no money to be attracted to and he wasn’t a great catch in the very least from a professional, academic or financial standpoint. I couldn’t have any ulterior motives because there was little to gain from that relationship aside from his heart.
Regardless, there was no way to beat that assumption away from the family. To them, I was what they thought of me, and this was one of the reasons I ended that relationship, even after moving to another country in part because of him.
2) Lack of integration with friends
My current boyfriend’s friends are really great people. They’re outgoing, entertaining, nice and open to taking me in as a part of the group.
But you know what I just can’t do? I can’t integrate into that group of friends… I just can’t do it.
I lack the ability to speak the language as fast as they do, I have to concentrate and place so much focus on understanding their slang and fast, multi-topic conversations, and a lot of the time they talk about things that I’m unfamiliar with.
Sometimes, conversations sound like this to me.
I was once in a concert with a few of them… they were all singing along to the songs and I was standing in the corner because I barely knew the singer. Hanging out with my boyfriend’s friends makes the language and cultural gap really stand out to me… and boy does it make me feel like a foreigner.
3) Overwhelming changes: new culture, new language, new friends, new people, new everything!
No two places are alike. Believe you and me, Bolivia and Israel are two incredibly different places and there’s plenty of culture shock to deal with when you go from one to the other.
The two biggest shocks are the language and difference in overall mannerisms and personalities. It’s hard to adapt to a new alphabet, new sounds, new words and new expressions. Sometimes I look at products in the supermarket not quite understanding if I have the right ingredient on hand because I’m not familiar with the word. When I watch the news, I only understand half of what is being said. This might sound petty, but it’s oddly stressful and disheartening.
Cultural differences are a biggie. We latinas are not only passionate, we can also get passionately angry. My boyfriend knows this well by now!
If you have an awesome partner, he’ll be patient with you. He’ll help you on the way and take your side to battle it out, no matter how small the battle. He’ll teach you, show you and support you in any way that you can.
Even with a great partner on your side, assimilating and getting used to a new culture is so difficult. You will always be an immigrant, you will likely always have an accent, you probably look different and you may even act differently than those around you.
End of the day, moving abroad for your partner in order to give an opportunity to your mutual love is difficult, especially if you become the ‘foreign’ one in the situation. But if you love each other, if he’s good to you and he’s as committed to the relationship as you are, he’ll make the whole challenge worth it.
I’m sure it is challenging. Not only for you, but for him. In the end though you get an awesome experience that you can immerse yourself in, and your boyfriend can learn your language as well.
Thanks for the support. 🙂 I hope he does learn… I’d like for him to be able to communicate with my family as well, so he will need to learn Spanish!
You are so funny Ronnie! 😀 I am really lucky as my husband’s family has always treated me like a part of their family. But I can relate to the friend part. It was so difficult to blend in and be a part of their group. I learned most of my Spanish by watching news and cartoons and after five years, I understand almost everything, but learning Hebrew must be much more difficult.
I’m just annoyingly perfectionist, I think! I’d probably have an awesome grasp of Hebrew if I wasn’t so adamant about proper grammar, conjugation, etc. I understand almost everything as well.. it’s the talking that I’m horrible at!
Very funny. I have friends who have met online and moved across country to be with their new love. Family and friends can be hard to overcome and be a part of. Hang in there
Thank you for the support! <3
It’s tough spot to be in. My husband and I are from different parts of the same country – yet his {extended} family sometimes acts as if I am from another planet! Hang in there, it gets easier.
We have friends that are in a similar situation (he’s American, she’s from Columbia) and they met at a single’s “party”. Was difficult for her at first, but as her English got better she felt more comfortable socializing with us “gringos”. 😉
My husband is American Indian, and you would think there would be no issues at all, but there are some still that arise after all these years. Religion being the biggest. I thought that would get better as we got older, but it gets worse at times (because there are things like funerals, baptism, etc. that we disagree on 100% from one another). We work these things out, but they’re not always easy. I’m sorry to hear you had such a hard time w/your ex’s mom. 🙁
I can only imagine what a huge role religion plays, as well. I happen to be so secular, that I usually only date secular boys as well so luckily, religion is the one thing that has yet to become a conflict.
This reminded me of my ex-husband. We were both born here in America, but his parents are from Portugal and they thought of me as the foreigner. I felt so left out all the time.
Good riddance! Lol 🙂
I am Swiss and moved to India for love 10 years ago, I can related to every single one of these. 10 years down the line I still have my moments and feel totally foreign, but even then I would not give up all this for the world.
WOW! You’ve made as dramatic a change as me from the sounds of it.
I also watch that show and I am also a reality show lover. Both my husband and our families are Americans, but we both come from different races, so we sometimes have different traditions.
I think there is someone out there for everybody but I’m not sure if this is too staged to really help people find true love.
Interesting post. I’ve never had to deal with the experience of being the foreigner in a relationship. In fact my mother-in-law and I have a wonderful relationship. I am so thankful for that.
I know it has to be hard to have to leave everything behind and travel to an all new area. I am not sure if it helps, but many mother’s are very protective of their sons and it might not have been that you were after something because of where you were from, she probably would have said the same thing if you were extremely rich and an American model. I had that happen to me and I had more money then the guy I was dating, I also had a degree and was making more money at my job – he was unemployed and yet was still better than I was in her eyes. She just did not like me. The culture shock would be extremely hard, I just moved across country and am having a hard time, I could not imagine moving to another country. I had a friend that he did it and loved it though, said it was the best way to learn about the other cultures because you have to learn quick or you get lost. Maybe it is different for men than women though.
You are so right… it probably started off as a racial issue (or at least an excuse) but it was far more than that – she was overly protective for sure. In her eyes, I was just not good enough for him no matter what.. even though I surpassed him in every way as well, just like you!
Looks like a really overwhelming situation. I loved this post, though. You really capture how it feels to be the odd one out.
I can’t imagine moving to another country for the one you love. It must be so scary!
I don’t know anything about relationships, I am lucky haha! Your post is interesting and you are so brave to face all this. These trolls are totally aligned to the post he he. You have a good sense of humour. 😀
I’m so sorry people have such misconceptions. The show you mentioned sounds very interesting. I’ll have to check it out.
Wow, that would be very difficult. Thanks for sharing your insight and experience. This would be very helpful to those involved in this type of relationship.
I think the most difficulty would be language and culture. I have a lot of foreign friends and I may say something that they will misunderstand. After being friend with them, we now understand the differences and are fine.
Wow! That would be tough. I have never been out of the country even for a vacation. With working retail in a college town I have dealt with language barriers and they are difficult. Good luck my dear!
Relationships are hard to begin with, let alone throwing in cultural differences. But I know it can be done well if people realize these struggles you mentioned and have patience and acceptance with them. My Cousin is from Mexico and he blended well into our family because of acceptance and being patient as he learned the language. My Sister-in-law is from Ecuador and we love her to death. I’m so glad she joined our family. But her integration was a little easier because he had been living in the US for a little while before she met my brother; so it wasn’t such a strain on the relationship because she was able to adapt to the country a bit before she married him. And now; some of her traditions are some of our favorites and our entire family have incorporated them into our family traditions.
That’s so great! 😀 I love hearing happy stories of integration. There’s hope out there for me! hahaha My current boyfriend’s family is so welcoming and amazing. His mother is fascinated by Latin American culture so she is very happy to have me around to practice Spanish!
I am a Canadian and Met an American I moved in Michigan from Toronto for crying out loud talk about a unexpected shock. Mind you Toronto and Michigan are 6 hour drive from one another. My husband family thinks I only want him for a green card as if. lol I rather enjoy my free health care thank you very much. However my husband family warmed up then backed down after a altercation with the x. Dealing with being from another country no matter the country is hard on other relationships in your life like family back home and friends. I have a few friends who have had babies and gotten married. I couldn’t go do to the immigration law of not being able to travel while paper work is in processing which it still is by the way. this month we sit with a lawyer to finalize things after 8 years. I’m practically American washed now I don’t even have my Canadian accent. I even had to not attend my brothers funeral. When I went to my grandpa funeral they had to keep me in Toronto for three months away from my daughter American born and my husband. was very hard time and I experienced depression from it even almost gave up on our relationship but as the saying goes true love never fails. for now I’m a legal Ailen on a i130 and my friends make jokes. lol Its hard but in the end all that matters is being with the one were ment to be with.
great post
That’s horrible. :'( My heart goes out to you.. I can’t even imagine how difficult it is to be forcibly kept away from your family like that.
My husband and I are from the same area, so I never had to deal with any of these. I can’t even imagine how hard it would be. Integrating with friends and family is difficult enough without language barriers and cultural differences! Thanks for sharing this post, it was really informative!
Hubby and I see things different but I couldn’t imagine a huge cultural difference. Thank you for sharing.
I couldn’t imagine moving to another country, alone and being immersed into it all so suddenly – thank you for sharing a little of what it was like. x
I lived in another country for a year, and yes, it can be hard. It’s great to read about your experiences, because I found I could relate!
That can be a challenge and a stress on relationship. I once dated a British guy (long distance at that and bi-racial) but his family was very accepting of me. In fact his family and I are still friends even though we broke up over a year ago. It can work with some effort for sure
Thanks for sharing your perspective. I’ve never really given much thought to how difficult it must be to blend into a completely different culture. I have a whole new respect for people who do that!
It’s hard to dive into a new culture, there’s a lot to learn in so many ways!
It seems like that could be a very lonely life from time to time. I’m sorry your ex-MIL was such a piece of work.
I lived in Japan for two years. While we lived on base in a very American setting, off base was a whole different story. I never could grasp the language beyond a few words and it could be quite culturally shocking. Don’t get me wrong, I loved every minute of being over there, but it was still a major adjustment!
In the Philippines, we are used to seeing couples where the other is foreign. I could just imagine what they go through to fit in. And apparently you went through the same thing!
I can imagine how hard it is but if you love each other, you make it work.
I’ve been through this myself. My husband – like you – is from Bolivia, so even though we both speak Spanish (I’m Mexican-American) our cultures are very different.
Wow! I never thought about all of this. Relationships are so challenging anyway….kudos to you for being brave enough to share this!